Listening to: Legends of Heroes Trails in the sky ost
Playing: Tales of Xillia 2, and Defince
So basically Friday morning, I had a vision of Reagan, and because of this I had a brooding feeling (feeling of extreme dislike or resentment) and so I messaged him. The conversation wasn't the most pleasant, but we were friends again to a point.
Ash did not like this. In fact he was very against this talking about how he'd not be around, I basically explained I do not like Reagan the way he thought I did.
I meditated because I remember I was called a sack of sadness due to things that somewhat traumatized me. What traumatized me was many events that took place in my life.
People wonder why I don't like kids. Reason is when I was 11 or 12 my family helped with the "benefit for Sebastian." This was for helping cancer research and the "Make a wish" foundation. When he died. I could not process things right, in fact I stopped interacting with younger people all together. To see my friend go like that
I mean I took medicine that practically made me a robot growing up, blocked all feeling that wasn't cognitively solving problems. So this took me a very long time to process.
Then I thought back to my ex gf Nikki, and this is why I don't date girls anymore. When I was 14, I had a gf named Nikki, she was very close to me. But she too died. But it was because of a semi-truck. I always had the impression it was all my fault due to her wanting to visit me.
After that I had my abusive ex Jake there to pick me up.
Not going too far into that
Years later I met my friend Chris, he was diagnosed with bone cancer. He had the mentality to believe he could fight it strong spirit but no results. I always knew he was going to die So this kinda made me give up on him deep down, turned my back on his last 3 months . I just couldn't stand to see someone close to me die again My ex gave no shits to really support me during that time frame, he was more absorbed into his projects. This was last December. My ex pretty much left me for 100$ comic commission. Not to mention I was told to "get a hobby" bitch please, my hobby is writing, was writing for you for a while and still got so little to show for it because I tried being original.
Yeah while you have like 20+ characters who are 1-dimensional and lack depth with your boring comics you didn't even credit me for helping with the translation so it makes sense? At least I can make my characters really pop out with realistic development. Not so generic Shonin Jump wannabe for furries (no offense to them, just ranting a bit.) It is just annoying you have the audacity to tell me that. I get you were trying to be supportive in some way but fucking really? That is how you are going to be "supportive" ? Just fucking no Just no. You're only going to be known for generic shit at this rate, that is the legacy you are developing yourself with you hobby. (Note, I do not hate you. But you can see I'm very mad at you for trying to place that view on me with that. I never talk shit about you. So don't talk down to me like I'm lower with get a hobby you are so much better than that. You know it, and I know it)
I'm not even going to mention the person who left my side as a close friend for popularity. I gave up on people. My childhood crush was pretty much a taboo because I was 13 and he was 17. We talked yesterday And he said I grew up a lot. But he got quiet. But yeah yesterday a majority of it was me crying or at least trying to stop crying. I didn't even care I didn't get a gift. My mind was just not in the right place.
Not to mention one of my closest friends pretty much freaks out when I'm down. I get you care Axel, I know you do, but I just sometimes need to breath. Telling me to see a therapist will be a waste of money and probably just going to say I'm being "illogical" due to things like this or throw me on medication. Seen it happen, just not going through with it. Fact is (Hate to say it) but I do need more hobbies then what I have. I have no motivation to write alone anymore, which is why I am going to plan something out for myself later. Just something that will probably keep myself working on construction so I have a better grip with writing (Not to sound arrogant, but I really am not bad at writing, there are just times I do not want to. But I do want to work on world building a bit more by first working with something per-existing and build from there with my ideas before going back to my truest ideas.)
Though I must really admit, for having over 80+ people on skype daily,roughly just over 18 of you said a basic Happy birthday. Really guys? I treat you with so much more respect than that. In fact, I go out of my way to try to liven your days up if I can.
Though I'd like to thank Ash, Reagan, Axel, Kayla,Matty,Matt, KD,Tom, Joqui, Han,Devin, Chad,Dustin,iO Scott,Bleok,Speedix,Evander,Alex ,Winter,Killfang,Kevin, Lee/Rook(Sorry, not sure what to call you aside from that.) for making that atrocious day somewhat bearable. (If I forgot your name, sorry, I was sorta moody typing this, but now I feel a lot better for typing this.)
Thank you guys for being supportive.