Listening to: Sen no Kiseki Super Aria -Holy Saint
Playing: Tales of Xillia
Sometimes I wonder why I cannot properly speak to people. I just look at them and just expect responses that I must think about; such as come up with the ideal answer they are looking for while being logical.
Then I look back to growing up. Yes, I forgave Ashton for the stuff we went through, But I never truly hated him. I just had a hard time being me, then I look back... I wore so many mask... Who is "Me" exactly?
So I did meditation to review my childhood. I was an accident my parents loved, they were nice and would spoil me with some things here and there, used to play with G.i.Joe and Star Wars figures. Those were cool due to the scifi nature of it.
Me and my dad used to place toys around the floor and sometimes the dinner table. We'd have imaginary wars as we slammed the toys at each other. None of which broke, but it was hilarious to see them fly off the table.
I remember my mother always laughing at the interactions. But.. Me and my mom never did much. We were very distant sometimes due to her work.
Most we'd do together is play the Legend of Zelda OOT. Yes, we had the original uncensored one.
At other times I played Star Wars Rouge Squadron.
Daily I'd watch the unaltered versions on VHS tapes. I just thought everything was beautiful and imaginative, unlike the stuff on TV.
When I started school, I was the only white kid in what seemed like an all black school. I was picked on, yet they bragged about Dr.King. If you all were so into his teachings, why was I always mistreated? I never understood the concept of inequality.
Had a nice neighbor, she never saw me as "different" but just a fun next door kid to play tag with. But she moved away, then we moved. Never heard from her again.
Had two boy cats, one was fat, he loved me to death, and we called him "Trouble".
Then Sam, who we had before Trouble. Sam was our grey cat. He was very nice too. But Trouble used to lay by me when I went to bed.
I was still alone though despite the family, bullied in the new school for my skin disorder. I'm Anemic, and still treated like an outsider. I was a kid who liked Japanese games over the Western Market games. Everything just seems... Pretty pale back then.
I liked Horror games, Adventure, and stuff like Role Playing games. Kids thought I was weird for playing Final Fantasy and things of that nature.
I had four friends in school. Mark, Jeremy, Kayla and John.
I talk to just Kayla as of today. She is quite possibly one of my closest friends, practically family to me.
I was still bullied though, went to a Therapist. Got medications to help me, and each gave bad side effects. Mind you, I was 8 doing all that stuff.
The effects made me suicidal and sometimes self damaging. It scared my parents, went to many doctors. We didn't stop till I was 11.
By then I entered middle school. Puberty too it's course and I lost a lot of weight, I sprouted, yet was self conscious and questioned a lot of things.
My sexuality is so weird, like, not gay straight or bi.
Was treated like crap online by many. Tried online dating and got hurt a lot because my school was unappealing. Pretty loser like.
Highschool came, I lost three of the friends due to going separate ways.
During the summer talked to someone named Vex/Jake. Same person.
Worst mistake, but a better love story then Twilight.
Developed emotions after adjusting from some withdrawals from the medication. Even then I was a loner.
I talked to my friend Daphne more, this was around the time we developed CAS. And Jesus was the prototypes bad.
Few years went on, we got into disagreement, but I'm just happy we are friends as of recent.
I had emotional withdrawls from Vex, and that turned to an imperious hate that made me look down on others.
And... I always tried to read people, and well... I'm a psychic, I can see what is inside.
Through highschool. I always thought to myself, fucked up in math and was to shy to ask for help, because of that I have a course of Geometry I need to take. I should be graduated...
My friend Chris had cancer, I say had because well... he isn't around anymore.
I... told you I was a psychic.... I knew he was gonna die... I had to turn my back... and I never got to say goodbye...
Was used by others at the time of me meeting Reagan....
My friend Axel was worried about me... I felt shitty for worrying him, love him like family.
When I met Reagan, I was shy. Could see things in his heart like no others, I liked him but felt like an annoying fan that would be shunned.
I was used to that from abusive exs.
So... I kept my hopes very low.
Yet on November 9th, 2013. He confessed he did indeed feel for me. I was caught by surprise.
It took me two days to agree.
Took a lot of warming up, but we reached that point where we can say "I love you."
Yes.. there were times I was hurt, but fights do happen. I needed a break sometimes and said "I'm breaking up with you." But...
Those are the moments I regret most... He is just so sweet to me... Like... Maybe I need space... but I cannot just totally leave him...
Yes... he caught me at the worst times in my life where I felt betrayed by many, Chris died... I didn't know how to NOT make a bit deal of things.
I felt bad because we had few of those tender moments with my sourness that was going on.
He makes me all these gifts... I have no money... and I feel like shit because I have nothing to give at times.
We fought when he dropped my comic... but I was trying too much with just a comic... I really shouldn't be mad. And I'm not.
He continued a idea, and I blew up on him. We fought and I felt bad because I was mad that day after we broke up.
Yet... I loved him too much. Yes, I seem very mushy right now. But I'm so tired of all the negativity I'm subjugated too, the romantic side of me is just something positive ya know?
I confessed to him that I love him, how he makes my days bright, how being with another just seems illogical... I cannot be without him...
So... he asked me out again... I'd never deny him...
My friend Matt was a great supportive friend, and so was Ivan,Jesse,Flint,Lead,Axel,Evander,Thomas and James. So is Kayla.
I love all of you so much. You guys make this dull world seem so much colorful...